How to Become a Grumpy Old Fart (or, Sometimes I just want to smack somebody)

Lately, it seems like the smallest of things annoy me. I feel like I spend day after day being grumpy and out of sorts, it's not fun nor does it make me a fun person to be around. I have tried playing the menopause card in hopes of sympathy or understanding for my crabby behavior, but the truth is that I am still too young for that to be it (though I'm rapidly approaching, but let's leave that subject alone, shall we... don't want me to get annoyed, do you?).

I finally realized that what has changed and caused me to become a grumpy old harridan is time.

Sounds crazy (kind of like me lately) but think about it. Most of the things that tweak our last nerve are things that we used to shrug off. I think that's the problem, our history of shrugging! Over the years, we've been turning the other cheek, going with the flow, and trying not to rock the boat.

We've turned, gone, and avoided rocking until we're sick of it and are even more sick of pretending we don't mind. We do mind. In fact, sometimes, we mind a lot!

How many of us order pizza by phone? I bet we all do or have. What is typically the first thing the server asks you when they finally answer the phone? It's not "Hi, can I take your order?" No, it's usually "Could you kindly hold?" Wouldn't you love to say, "No. No, I cannot hold. I called, you answered, let's get on with it!"

How about people who don't switch their cell phones to vibrate in a movie theater? Listen, if you're so stupid that you can't figure out that the commercial that shows before the movie starts, the one that says to turn your cell phone off, means YOU, too, then you're probably too dumb to enjoy the movie to its fullest and shouldn't have been allowed in the theater in the first place.

It seems like simple courtesy has become an endangered species and as people get older, they realize that they are tired of being the one to take the higher road.

A few months ago I was in a large clothing store, in a hurry because I was on my lunch break, and there was a group of children running up and down the aisles, screaming at the top of their lungs, and bumping in to shoppers as they chased each other. There wasn't a parent in sight. I ignored these kids for about fifteen minutes before the grumpy old harridan in me surfaced.

"Where are your parents," I growled out in my best drill Sergeant voice. (I have never served a day in the military, but I must have in another life because I have that voice down pat!)

All five children skidded to a halt like their feet had hit a giant sheet of fly paper. "Our parents are over there, Miss," they stammered, obviously scared to death.

"Well, get yourselves over there, too," I growled, "before I call a security guard to escort you. Is this how your parents raised you? To be disrespectful in a store? Do you act like this in church, too?"

Oh, I can be really terrible!

But you know what? The rest of my shopping excursion was spent without a pack of wild hellions bumping in to me. Some people's kids, I tell ya'! (Though I must confess that I am not entirely sure yet if I am referring to those parents or my own here... I'll have to get back to you on that one.)

I want to be a nice person, like I used to be. I just need people to start being more courteous and respectful... otherwise, yes, I will tell your kids off in a store, I will be up front that I do not want to hold (especially when we both know you're going to be late delivering my pizza either way), and if you keep your cell phone turned on during my movie, it rings, you answer it and begin to have a conversation.... it's gonna get ugly up in here!

Let's just all be a little more respectful to one another. Is that too much to ask? Otherwise, I'm going to have to start tinting my hair blue or lavender... just like all the other grumpy old ladies.