I seem to have misplaced my Fairy Godmother

A good friend told me yesterday that he loves it when I'm bitchy, this on the heels of my complaining that I've been too harsh of late. Where is that fine line between the two? And once found, how do I keep from strangling myself with it? There's the question.

I've been telling myself that I am the innocent victim in a struggle against the double whammy of PMS and perimenopause. Nice theory, except I don't really think that's it. Unfortunately, I think I've just been really angry and disappointed with myself and shifting my attention from that fact by being a monster to anyone and everyone who crosses my path. (Well, THERE's a great way to make friends, eh?)

Speaking of making friends... the situation I referred to in my last entry sorted itself out in a positive way and all the cranky people (me) are friends again with everyone else. It has been such a relief to be free of animosity and hostility, which really can poison you if left to its own devices. The other happy side effect has been remembering what it feels like to be, if not happy, then at least not angry all the time. It feels a heckuva lot better than the alternative.

I have been trying to figure out how to hang on to that feeling while dealing with my being my own worst enemy. Like a lot of people, I have been dealt with some harsh blows in my life but unlike a lot of people, I have let them continue to beat me up over the days, weeks, and years. It is frequently said that talking about things is a big help, I have never found that to be true. Nor have I found that time heals all wounds.

Personally, I think that there are some things that you just don't get over. Some things you simply have to learn to coexist with and try to live a good life in spite of them. Certainly easier said/written than done. In fact, because it isn't easy, it often seems doubly unfair. Why should you be dealt a horrific hand and then have an even harder time trying to play it off? Of course, another popular saying is "Life isn't fair" and then some crap about not being promised a rose garden.

So how do you "get over it?" I thought I was doing okay, telling myself I'm a survivor and not a victim, which sounds great but would be even better if it was true. I think I gave up and gave in, which is hard to admit. Truth be told, I've been wasting far too many years of my life waiting for my Fairy Godmother to show up, wave her magic wand, and make everything all better. Trouble is while waiting, the situation has only disintegrated further.

So what do you do? You start over. That's one of the wonderfully reliable aspects of life, you can always start over. Oh sure, sometimes you'll be angry that you have to keep trying, but I have yet to meet someone who doesn't respect a person who keeps on keeping on. The person who gives up.... yeah, not so much.

One of the biblical scriptures I've tried to motivate myself with over the years is "God helps those who help themselves." I just neglected to see that this statement could have other interpretations. For the last five years I have been helping myself to whatever food was in the house, rather than making the effort to be healthy and fit. Well, God helped me alright. He designed a body for me that responds to that type of behavior by getting big.... really big... like my butt is "gi-normous" big!!!

Now I see my partly brown skinned boy with pasty white skin, getting cellulite on his belly and realizing he is following my example. I look in my medicine cabinet and see row after row of medications for blood pressure, cholesterol, and other ailments, all curable by improving my health with a bit of exercise.

Eventually, I get sick of myself and fortunately, am at that point now. So I'm going to get up off the couch, throw on some "tennies" and see what I can do about getting a little exercise and being healthier. But, if any of you see my Fairy Godmother - tell that bitch I'm looking for her!!!